


Of the Things Unknown But Longed For Still

by alexavindr (orphan_account)



Series: Caged Bird [3]
Category: Captain America - (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Between Rage and Serenity, Charles Being Concerned, Erik is a Sweetheart, Erik's family, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Canon, Ruth Eisenhardt again, Slight Canon Divergence, background stucky, lorge child erik
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 00:50:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5806876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/alexavindr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thirteen, sixteen, eighteen, thirty-five. Those are the numbers, the ages, that Erik remembers most vividly. Thirteen was when his heart stopped, sixteen was when it was saved. Eighteen was when his heart was removed, and thirty-five was when it was shoved unceremoniously back into his chest when he least expected it with three simple words.</p><p> <i>"You're not alone."<i></i></i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Of the Things Unknown But Longed For Still

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is the moment you've all been waiting for - well, kinda...I believe a lot of you are primarily Stucky shippers; this ship is frickin' huge - CHERIK! My OTP forever and always because they belong together and everything is confirmed and jeebus they're so cute. Get ready for Stucky - Cherik parallels because it's happening! 
> 
> ~~I guess _technically_ this shouldn't be read on its own but it's mainly Cherik, there's only allusions to Steve and Bucky but...eh, do what you want.~~ ha ha I lied sorry I realized this was wrong when I wrote the memories scene
> 
> Title is again from Caged Bird by Maya Angelou.

Thirteen, sixteen, eighteen, thirty-five. Those are the numbers, the ages, that Erik remembers most vividly. Thirteen was when his heart stopped, sixteen was when it was saved. Eighteen was when his heart was removed, and thirty-five was when it was shoved unceremoniously back into his chest when he least expected it with three simple words.

_"You're not alone."_

For the first time since Erik was sixteen, Erik believes those words. Holds onto them with the same grasp he's always used, completely and fully, never wanting to let it go. Except, this time, he's not gripping onto rage, or revenge, rather the opposite. The promise of serenity and peace. Of _freedom._

Charles Xavier saved him, continues to save him, when he thinks the only way out is through his death or destruction. There's only been one other person that's ever been capable of making Erik feel like he doesn't have to go through life by himself, that there's someone there to guide him through it safely. The way his blue eyes shine with determination and hope makes Erik want to cry and laugh at the same time. Charles is the exact opposite of him, the serenity to his rage, and it's so _perfect_ in a way he can't describe, the words failing him whenever he tries to explain it to himself.

Though, in a sense, he already knows.

He remembers seeing it in a held hand, in a gentle kiss. He remembers hearing it in a laugh, in a shared silence. He remembers feeling it in the air, even in one of the most dangerous places to be, the sense of acceptance and and want.

He knows what he feels for Charles Xavier, the naive, soft telepath with no perception on the reality of the world or how it works. He loves him.

Gott, he _loves_ him. He wants to wake up beside him, to kiss him when no one is looking; when _everyone_ is looking. He wants to hold him and laugh with him and argue about mutant rights with him over chess, knowing full well that in the morning they will be forgotten and the day will start anew. He wants to keep him safe, to protect him from the world and its dangers, even if Erik himself brings more of that than anything else Charles has ever encountered.

And right now, Erik feels all of that.

"I believe that true focus lies between rage and serenity," Charles says matter-of-fact. Erik looks at him knowingly, and nothing else matters. Schmidt is gone from his mind, the CIA pushed back into the recesses of things that aren't important, even the impending war is a minute detail compared to how red Charles' lips look, how even his eyes seem to smile. "May I...?" He waggles his fingers near his temple, a polite invitation asking for entry. Erik swallows and nods.

And suddenly he's eight again, lighting the menorah with Mama. Ruth is three; much smaller than Erik, but big enough to be able to get in the way of the fire. Papa holds her with a smile under his mustache. Erik feels the warmth of Mama's hand on his, he can hear Ruth's indignant whines of being held back.

Then he's whooshing past that, and he's ten, playing in the grass in his backyard with Magda. His heart hits the ground when he remembers the memory. But Charles is in control now. Erik has let him in.

""Du erdrückst mich!"!" she giggles when Erik pins her to the ground gently. He lifts his torso off of her and they lock eyes, her cheeks pink and dimpled, her green eyes clashing with her dirty blonde hair. Ten-year old Erik is skinny, tall and pale. He's in no way intimidating, and that's probably why he's friends with more girls than boys. No one sees him as a threat, and technically he isn't, not yet. This is only a few years before his powers manifest and everything goes to hell. "Erik?"

Erik, being a brilliant ten-year old, kisses her.

There's a lull in the connection, a pause. Erik knows that Charles is surprised. After a moment, Erik prods him mentally, and the memory is shot away - gingerly - and Erik hears the gunshot that ruined his life. He lets out a choked noise. Quickly, as fast as he can, Charles is sorting through three years worth of pain, and suddenly, lands on one of his brightest memories of all.

"Bucky, there's a kid in here!" Steve shouts. Erik chokes. It's one thing to have the memory long-term, but to have it replayed like it's actually happening again, with Charles in it, is enough to make him cry.

And it is. Distantly Erik feels a tear roll down his cheek, more welling up in his eyes, threatening to fall.

Then Charles is dancing through the three hours that Erik was with Captain America and the Howling Commandos, laced with laughter and affection and Erik's power being _celebrated,_ not experimented on and abused. If anything, he makes it all brighter, even better than it had been before. It's almost unbearable how light Erik feels, spinning around in his own memories. Only one other memory shines this much, and Charles finds it.

"You're not alone," Charles vows, his hair plastered to his forehead from the dive into the ocean. He flips it out of the way, and that's when his eyes catch in the moonlight, like stars. Erik stumbles on his words, which is definitely, most _definitely_ due to the salt water in his throat. Charles looks like Adonis, a soft, baby Adonis, floating in the waves. "Erik, you're not alone."

Every single moment of rage, every meticulously planned kill doesn't add up to how Erik is filled with those words, filled with an emotion he hasn't felt since he was sixteen and desperately wants to feel again. Charles is now scrambling messily through his mind, and Erik's forgotten momentarily that he'd just accidentally revealed his biggest, most harbored secret. And Charles is digging out these feelings with reckless abandon, like a starving man craving food, and Erik doesn't know how to react when Charles doesn't only find that Erik's attracted but -

"You're in love with me," Charles whispers in the real world, his eyes shining with tears too. "You're...You're in - "

"I'm sorry." Erik says through clenched teeth. He digs his nails into his palms. _Fucking stupid why the fuck would you ever think he'd want this too it's illegal for God's sake you're a goddamn idiot get away this is -_

"Erik, why didn't you..."

"Why the hell would I tell you? It's not something you would want to know. I'm...It's...You're not like this, this is... _dirty,"_ Erik mumbles shamefully. "If anything, I was doing you a _favor_ in my not telling you."

"How is that a favor? How could you possibly _think_ you were ever helping me by not telling me you were in _love_ with me?" Charles said, coming closer and closer until all Erik had to do was lurch forward a few inches and they'd be kissing. "And do you really consider me to someone who would ever think that homosexuality is dirty?"

"No, but I don't expect you to be a part of it," Erik retorted soundly, his voice hitching. "I knew that and I wanted to spare myself some embarrassment. But since the secret's out, I guess we'll just - "

Charles is kissing him, both hands on the either side of his face, clinging on for dear life. Erik stumbles backwards, the backs of his thighs hitting the stone wall, pushing him into Charles' embrace. Immediately Erik is winding his arms around Charles' back, almost squeezing the breath from him as they kiss and kiss, both of their faces wet with joyful tears.

 _I'M NOT_ _ALONE!!!_ Erik's mind screams jovially, and Charles laughs, the vibration humming through both of their mouths.

 _No, my friend, you are not,_ he sends through their connection, _and you never will be again._ _I promise._

 _I love you,_ Erik thinks, and gently, so that there is time for him to pull away, Charles grabs him by a mental hand and they slip into _Charles'_ mind. It's bright with surprisingly dark corners, which Charles steers him around those, but distantly Erik swears he hears broken glass and the dull sound of a palm across the face. He doesn't have time to wonder why Charles has that in his memories because he's pulled into his short-term memory bank and - _oh._

Erik sees himself everywhere he turns.

There's the very first moment that Charles felt Erik in his mind - the memory tinged yellow with fear and apprehension - to when they meet, every moment laced with dark, rich blue and gold. In this place Erik is looked at as a man who has the potential to do so much good, if only he can see past himself and realize how beautiful he is. 

_"What do you know about me?"_ Erik hears himself, menacing and heavy.

 _"Everything,"_ Charles answers, and it's not true, not in the slightest, it's more reference to what he _wants_ to know, in which case there's never been a more accurate descriptor. Erik has not put much thought into that moment, in fact he thinks it more of a shameful memory, because he couldn't see what was obviously before him. But now it seems like a promise unfolding.

"I know it now," Charles whispers into his ear, "I know you."

That night they get to know more of each other, gently, thoughtfully, and Erik's never known anything more perfect than this.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The snow's letting up where I am *knocks on wood* but for those of you who are still getting inconvenience powder dumped all over your area, I send warmth your way in the form of gay mutants and super and super-in-a-different-kind-of-way soldiers! School, though...ughhhh. Thirteen and fourteen-year olds are dicks I hate them. I know it's hypocritical but we just ARE it's our nature and I hate it.
> 
> Magda's translation: "Du erdrückst mich!" - You're crushing me!
> 
> Song I listened to while writing this: [Arrival of the Birds and Transformation by The Cinematic Orchestra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqoANESQ4cQ). Oh it's GORGEOUS. I think it describes realization of love and the acceptance of loss, of breaking free from a darker place, just like in this story. You can actually _hear_ when another person, or other feeling, sweeps into the music and enraptures the rest of the sound in something completely wonderful and full. It's absolutely mesmerizing, LISTEN WITH HEADPHONES.
> 
> I know that Magda _Maximoff_ is the twins' mother in DOFP, but in the comics she was Erik's wife and they had a child named Anya, and they both tragically died in a fire that Nazis set to their home. Anyway I'm mixing comics and movies and I know it's weird but if you were wondering what was happening, that's what it is.


End file.
